I was 17 years old and a senior in high school. It was towards the end of the week and I was thinking about my catechism class on Sunday. It was Friday, October 4, 1957 and the biggest news since World War II hit us. The Soviets launched the first satellite in space, Suptnik. The radio signal ran for 22 days while circling the earth before it died out. The satellite finally burned up a few months later on January 4, 1958. I remember the day well because the shock of Sputnik’s launch created a crises in the United States. For some it was a dooms day launch.
That following Sunday evening I was teaching catechism to junior high school students at my church and Sputnik was part of the conversation. I gave my opinion of what it meant. It was the Soviet threat in raising the cold war stakes that concerned everyone. Could they launch an attack from space? You had to live in those days to understand the mind-set we all had. People saw communists behind every tree! The arms race meant we had to build more powerful weapons. Civil Defense was a part of our lives and some homes had bomb shelters. We were instructed how to react if we were attacked. I even remember in grammar school practicing hiding under our desks in case of atomic bomb attack.
There probably were good reasons for fear in our country. The Soviets launched the second Sputnik a month later on November 3rd, 1957! More Sputnik launchings followed, 25 in all. We believed they had the capability to rein terror on us.
But there was more on my mind that night.
I had my own problems. I wrestled with deep sexual problems and I knew these were wrong. I considered myself a very devout and religious person. I was raised in religious schools and faithfully attended church, said my written prayers, and did everything I knew to do plus more. Yet, there was no peace in my life. Even my closest friend rebuked me in front of others at school when he saw me showing written pornography to other classmates.
I have to be frank. This was not an overnight problem. It started in early childhood and continued to grow. Adolescence just made it worse. Being like an only child (my sister was 12 years older) and somewhat of a self-sufficient loner certainly didn’t help. In retrospect, having an over strict dad and lenient mother brought its own conflicts. Don’t misunderstand me, I am not a victim and I do not look to blame anyone for the state of life I was in.
In my religion sin was taken very seriously. I was taught about sin from my earliest childhood religious classes. Once it was demonstrated by a teacher. She pricked our finger with a needle to show how the pain of sin affected Jesus. In fact, over the years, it probably occupied most of the sermons and religious teachings in school. At my school, a boy’s school, they would bring in outside preachers known for their fire and brimstone preaching. Assemblies were compulsory. By the end of the assembly I felt the fires of hell around me and thought I was eternally damned. I remember right after these assemblies I would make a fast run to the chapel to pray for forgiveness.
How do you stop sinning? I constantly was looking for an answer. I tried to be more religious by praying more. I made promise after promise to God, swearing I would never do these things again. I went to church more, practiced different spiritual exercises, and read anything I could get my hands on that I thought would help. The cycle of sin went on and on. I wanted to talk to someone. I thought about a close friend of mine, but I couldn’t get myself to do it. As I got older I looked at my teachers and ministers, but could not bring myself to speak to them. Finally, as I got to my junior year of high school, I got the nerve to make a confession to a respected adult. No answer came forth, except to be more religious, get closer to God. That repeated itself over several more times in the years ahead and I even got yelled at once.
Nothing really changed and the cycle of sin would continue.
It wasn’t just a nation in crises that Sunday night of October 6th, 1957. I was in my own personal crises. I was restless, lonely and didn’t know what to do. The Sputnik crises only added to my own problems because of the serious and somber mood. I finished teaching the class around 8 p.m and it was my job to close and lock up the church. The church was in a small community, but I lived much further away in the country and I needed to get home because I had to be up at 5:30 a.m. to travel the 20 plus miles to high school. Locking up the church took a little time (and it was spooky because of night and the darkness) as I had to go around to the very back and then the side doors before leaving by the front doors. As I walked around the church, I sensed an aura of peace that night. It seemed to comfort me, so I decided to take time to go up to the altar and pray.
What I did that Sunday night was a first. I had never, ever done anything like this. It was not premeditated. We were taught from our earliest years how to pray and conduct ourselves. My religion was very formal and structured, but that Sunday night I didn’t follow any of that. I literally threw myself on the floor face down with my arms completely extended out to my sides in front of the altar. I then cried out to God to ‘save me’. I specifically used the words ‘save me’, but these were not in my religious vocabulary. How and why these words burst out of me that night is a mystery. I had no other words or prayer. That was it, I was empty. Then I cried. After what seemed like a long time of silence, I felt a peace come over me. It was as if God had heard me.
My journey continued after high school to college and then to work. My sins came with me. I carried them with an increasing swing of emotions. I would virtually blank out that side of me and became much unattached emotionally. It warped my personality. Then I would have periods of remorse and seeking forgiveness, but God seemed more distant than I had ever known.
Marriage came a few years later followed by children. Things seemed better, but the truth was not much had changed. Adjusted, but not changed. Just before getting married, I changed churches thinking I might find answers. I didn’t and the struggle went on.
Then, at the age of 32, 15 years after that night I threw myself face down in front of the altar, I had an encounter with God. My marriage was in deep trouble and it was at the door of permanently ending. Once again, I went to my church and knelt down at the altar and admitted to God I didn’t know what to do. My strong will and self-sufficiency had failed. I admitted to God I was weak and had no answers and I asked him that day to help me. Two weeks later I was at the court house door and met my wife. We talked and there was a difference this time. There was an aura of peace present and through the two of us talking our marriage was healed right there. We never went through the doors of that court. I knew something beyond anything I had ever experienced took place and there was no question in my mind that God himself stepped in and changed our hearts. It was February of 1972 and over the next six months I began to encounter God over and over again. I began to understand my need to accept Jesus Christ in my life as a personal Lord and Savior. Suddenly after all the years of struggle and never finding an answer to peace in my heart, I was transformed into a new person. It was like being released from a prison! The weight of everything was lifted and I knew my sins were forgiven. And, not only was I forgiven, I received his Holy Spirit and found God’s power to live my life in Christ. I suddenly met a personal God I had not known. I discovered his fatherhood and love for me and experienced his grace and mercy in my daily life [See the footnote 1 below for more on this].
Six months after my life was transformed I was in my home office one night and praying. I was deep in prayer when I suddenly saw myself lying on the floor of that church 15 years ago and heard my cry to God to save me. I then heard the voice of God say to me, “I heard you.” I was flooded with joy that came over me like I have never experienced. I cried deep from within myself that night because of a loving God that rescued me from the pits of a living hell in my life. He does hear our prayers. That night I knew who my God was and his power to transform lives.
Nothing has been the same since that day 38 years ago. Yes, life has its ups and downs, we are not perfect, and we sin and have to walk through trials, temptations, tribulations, distress and other life’s events that we all face. The difference is when you are child of God, his wisdom and strength takes you through all these and you can walk in forgiveness, joy and peace. He is truly a father and a friend.
If you find yourself in need of God’s help, and in need of a friend, don’t hesitate to contact me. It would be my honor to share what He has given me.
My e-mail address is steve@gracechurchlife.com
[1] Read The Changing of a Heart – The Healing of a Marriage blog posted on March 7th, 2010 for the story of my encounter with God